God has a Plan for me...

I can't wait for my birthday present!  Daniel is getting me a kitten that I've fallen in love with at the barn.  He's adorable.  All light grey except for a few stripes on his legs, and face.  :) I'm going to name him Romeo!  I had the hardest time coming up with a name for him.  Although when I think about it I've never really had to come up with a name for an animal before.  Every animal I've ever own has already been named for me.  My sister name Angel, and DJ already had his name, although I did come up with his show name. 

Speaking of shows, I can't wait until the end of the month!  Our first horse show of the year is on May 30-31st.  We're competing on the Saturday.  I'm really excited.  We're jumping 2'6" in lessons.  This is only a training show though.  I'm going to do four training shows this year because they are cheap, and it'll be good for DJ to do some day shows where he's expected to perform the minute he arrives at the show ground.  I don't think it's worth spending 200-400 dollars per show when he is so excitable that it would be hard to even have a chance at placing.  I've been talking alot with Lizzy and she recommends I do cross rails and 18" this time just incase DJ is spooky.   The logic being that even if he's a prick I can make him walk over an 18" fence if I have to. lol!  And I don't have to worry about the fences, all I have to focus on is DJ behaving himself. 

William is going through a growth spurt.  AGAIN!! lol.  He's growing like a bad weed! :)  He woke up three times last night.  The first time I just gave him a soother and he went back to sleep, but the second time I had to feed him, and then he woke up again at normal time to eat.  Nutty child.  Now he's in his crib whinning because he's tired but he won't go to sleep.  Looks like I'm going to have to go and rock him so I guess that's all for now :)


http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=253491&id=521305713&l=d299ccece1

He's a link to photos of Romeo!

Wow!!  I haven't written in this thing since I was introduced to facebook.  I'd forgotten all about it.  A little green writing bug has bitten me and I've been struck with an urge to write again.  I'd love to write a ridiculously long post about everything that's happened in the last two years, but I doubt my son will stay down for his nap that long :)  So I guess I'll just update everyone briefly and tomorrow while he's napping I'll try and sneak on the computer and post and update. 

First and foremost I got married!  Daniel and I were married on Jan 3rd 2008.  I then finished my University degree, moved to Calgary Alberta, and graduated with an Honours in Geology in May of 2008.  In March I started a job with Shell Canada, and in April Daniel and I found out we were expecting.  We then decided to buy a house in Okotoks, and moved out of our tiny one bedroom apartment in Calgary to a five level split, 3 bedroom townhouse in Okotoks.  Shortly after this we found out we were having a little boy and painting of the nursery followed this news.  In September I was hired full time with Shell and they moved all of my belongs out to Okotoks from Halifax.  I took Maternity leave starting Dec 12th of 2008, and on Jan 6th, 2009 William Daniel Pratt was born.  The birth was slightly complicated.  On Monday Jan 5th, I went in for a routine docotors appointment, where I found out that I was measuring smaller than the week before.  I was then sent for an Ultrasound the following morning (Jan 6th).  The radiologist wasn't happy with the results of the ultrasound so they sent me in to the hospital for a non stress test.  During the test Liam had several  severe drops in heartrate and so they decided to keep me and induce labour.  I went from no labour to a baby in 6 hours, and then promptly went into shock afterwards.  I suppose all of that would be a little taxing on the system. lol :)  It turns out that Liam had the cord wrapped around his next twice, and then up around his shoulder, and I was 5 minutes away from needing an emergency C section.  He he, when it came time to push the docotor told me if I didn't have this baby out in 5 minutes we were heading for the O.R.  I said, "Yeah right I don't think so" and had him out in two pushes/ one contraction. lol  You can do anything when you put you mind to it!!!! :)  Now our little boy is almost 4 months old, we're painting the house, and I'm preparing for a show the end of May.  Life couldn't get any better!!!!

That's all for now but I'm going to try and update everyday while Liam is napping.  Gives me something to do! :)

I sit here now on my extremely comfortable double bed with a desire to write.  This is something that I haven't experienced in quite I while, and I blame that on my 88 page directed study that I passed in three weeks ago.  I also use that as an excuse as to why I haven't started my report for Internation Field School that's due in a little over a week.  I really should get on that.  *sigh*  I just finished reading, what I think, one of the saddest books that Nicholas Sparks has ever written: Message in a Bottle.  My nose is still stuffed and I bawled through the last three chapters.  It was a beautifully written book; however, it's left me with a mix of several unresolved emotions.  Alot has happened in the last little bit.

It's hard to believe that it's almost two months shy of a year since it happened.  I am a completely different person now, and I rarely even think about it anymore.  So why do I bring it up again?  I bring it up, not to sing a song of woe, but to try and rationalize and discover the meaning of my train of thought.  I seems that as I write I can understand things better than just trying to work them out in my head or even talking about them with someone.  I recently came across a letter I'd written to Heavenly Father a few months after it happened and I can't believe how far I've come.  

 

The letter is raw, and  harsh so read with caution.

When I read this letter I realize, through the grace and wonderous power of a loving Heavenly Father, I've come full circle.  Well almost full circle, and this is why I write.  I am at peace.  There is no doubt about this.  I am happy, I love my life, I'm grateful for all the wonderful blessings the Lord has seen fit to bestow upon me, but I am not completely whole..  In Sunday School last Sunday the teacher was talking about the parable of the ten lepers.  Where nine were cleansed but only one was made whole.  He then asked us what the difference between being cleansed and made whole was.  I've spent the week wondering about this.  Thinking, reasoning, and trying to come to some conclusion on the matter and I think I have well somewhat anyways.  I think that to be cleansed means to be healed physically.  The nine lepers were physically cleansed but there would have been a ton of emotional and spiritual scars they would have had from being ostrasized for all those years.  The one who was made whole, had those scars and wounds healed as well as his physical wounds by the Savior.  I think that I am partway between being cleansed and made whole.  I mean I feel as if all my emotional scars have been healed until I think about having a relationship with someone.  And then I am afraid.  It's not that I don't want to get over the fear because I do.  I want to more than anything.  What Im afraid of is being alone.  I'm afraid that this is going to cause me to be alone.  How do you explain something like this to someone?  Explain that they need to go slowly?  I mean by the time you reach a point in a relationship that you'd feel comfortable enough with someone to talk about that kind of thing, there has inevitabley been some touch before that.  ie. holding hands, maybe a kiss.  How do you hide the flinch? And how to you let the person you're flinching away from know that it's not because you're not interested but it's because you're afraid without explaining the whole shabang?  I guess I'm just talking.  I mean I know Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be alone for the rest of my lfie.  I have faith in my Patriarcle Belssing that says I'll be married and I know that whoever's out there that I will one day be married to will be understanding enough, will want to be with me enough to not let those things bother them, but I still worry.  I suppose it's normal.  Maybe even healthy.  It's been a long road to get to where I am now, anger, hatred, dispair, worthlessness, hope, failure, hope again, counselling, acceptance, and finally peace.  I really truely am grateful for my Heavenly Father.  I know the Savior has felt every bit of pain, and fear, and worthlessness that I've felt over the last year.  I love my Savior, I love my Heavenly Father, and thanks to their help I now can love myself again, and maybe, hopefully I can love someone else.  I guess this is a pretty deep post but I feel much better.  Untill next time....

So, I'm definately updating in this thing more now than I have in quite a while.  Not really all that sure why.  I mean sometimes you just get an inkling to write, and other times you couldn't write your name even if you're life depended on it.  I'm not every going to pretend that I understand it.  Truely an amazing day.  I can only imagine what occured today across the veil.  WOW!

On another note before I scamper off to bed, I have now been initiated into the ranks of NS professional geologists!! YEAH!  You know how Engineers get Iron rings? With a whole secretive ceremony and all?? Yeah, we get Earth rings!! WOO!! So I know have my Earth ring.  It's only three classes and a thesis left baby!!  Then I'm done!  I have to say though I was extremely impressed with the ceremony!  They quoted scripture!! TWICE!!!! WOW!  Can't really talk about it, being secretive and all, but I was really impressed.  I made no oath, that I haven't already made to myself and GOD.  It was completely refreshing to see this part of the professional world, the part I've chosen, still untouched by the craziness that's going on.  Still sticking to it's roots, unafraid to quote scripture!  I say good for them!!


WOO!! I have a date for the banquet next week end.  Yeah go me, I won't be a loner for once! HAHAHA!!!  Now, to buy a new dress! :P

Okay, so maybe that's a little melo-dramatic but it certainly feels that way.  How come it's always the person who's trying their hardest to be nice and fit in that seems to always get screwed, while those that hate everyone and are not concerned with showing it seem to never have any problems?  Maybe it's because they don't care, while the person who's grown up believing they should love everyone obviously does.  Not sure,  I'll have to ponder this one a little more.

Apparently, my horses hind end/ horse in general is giving out.  Hmmmmmm..........don't know if I believe this one, but the rumour has certainly done it's deed.  Though it probably wasn't intended to be a rumour I believe that's exactly what it is.  Especially since my lease was told they should use another horse in her lessons??? WHAT?  That is certainly not the same tune that was sung to me a few days ago.  I'm starting to get tired of this!  There is nothing majorly wrong with my horse besides that fact that he's been ridden way to hard by a certain individual, and he was not given ample time after the show to recover.  Plus, he is fairly seriously underweight right now.  He is definately NOT giving out.  Trust me, I still ride him.  He's the same horse he's always been, just a little tired.  How do you pass that kind of judgement on a horse after one lesson anyways??  I mean that kind of a judgement takes a few weeks maximum to pass, not one hour.  Horses are just like people.  They can have off days, where for some un-explicable reason they're more tired than normal.  Especially if they had a hard show, and then were jumped hard two days later.  I am really hoping this works out.  If I loose another lease based on this, I will be non too happy, and I may give up entirely, but you can bet your bottom dollar I will confront said individual about this, seeing as they would have no problem doing it to me if the situation is reversed.  Who knows what will happen, but I'm 50/50 now about just shipping him back to NB where Pam can watch him till I head out to Calgary permanently in Dec.  This is becoming WAY too much of a headache!

Ever had stress headaches?  I feel as if my head is going to explode.  So this is what I have do this week.  A presenation tomarrow; two presentation wed, a paper and a final exam; and a presentation thursday.  Next week I have two finals, a lab and a paper due.  Please someone kill me.  This is what I was thinking last week when I thought this would be all I would have to deal with.  I was wrong.  So, I turn to my faithful LJ friends to give me some advice.  I'm going to tell my story, and then ask you to vote on it.  I'll appreciate any and all imput, well if I get any at all....

So, now you've read it.  What do you think??  I'm hosting a pole.  Please answer!!

Okay so the pole won't work, please comment on the the following questions:

1) Do you think that owner of old bay gelding had a right to be upset?
2) Do you think she took appropriate action?
3) Should owner of old bay gelding taken the word of two adults over two teenagers?
4) Do you think owner of old bay gelding breached the lease?
5) Any advice for the owner of old bay gelding?

So there it's been quite a while since I've written in here, and I have quite a bit on my mind.  

First of all, right now I seriously just wish I was still living in NB.  I'm sick and tired of all the hating, and backstabbing, and back talking, and just plain nastiness that surrounds the horse world.  I want to go back to the country.  When riding horses was just that, riding horses.  FOR FUN!!  Not to be better than the next person, or to talk bad about the next person's horse, or their riding abilities.  I'm SICK OF IT!  Completely sick of it!!  I want to go back to where we rode for fun.  We rode to be free.  Just us, the horses, and nature.  No one judging our abilites, just out having fun.  I'm bascially done!!  I can't deal with it anymore.  I'll start riding/training again, when I get my own place and can keep my horses there.  Until then, I'm riding only to please myself, and I'm NOT, I repeat NOT getting involved in all the drama.  I'm keeping my mouth 100% SHUT!!  Period!

Second, I can't WAIT to leave NS.  Well not so much NS, but the fact that my house and family are in NS.  I'm pretty much at my breaking point as far as that goes.  I want to get as far away from them as possible.  ALL of them!!  Nothing is ever good enough for my parents.  They're angry at my other siblings so guess who it gets taken out on?? ME!! I'm sick of it!  I don't need to deal with this ontop of school and everything else.  Calgary here I come!  Get me out of here!!!

Thirdly, I'm sick of being alone and I'm sick of not being good enough, or pretty enough, or spiritual enough, or smart enough for anyone to be interested in me!  In this aspect Calgary will be no different.  I'm doomed to be alone.

 

I am suddenly filled with an overwhelming grattitutde to my Heavenly Father.  It's hard to explain what's changed in the last little while, but for the first time in quite a long time I am happy.  Not just the fake exterior happy, but deep down happy.  I mean I can look at things that would normally shatter my world, laugh, then sit down and figure out how to move on.  I mean I know I'm not doing all the things I'm suppose to, and I know that my testimoney isn't a strong as it should be, but I'm trying, maybe not hard enough but I am trying and maybe that's what really matters. 

Some of the things I'm thankful for:

SNOW!!  Well haha okay, maybe not 100% thankful for it.  I'd be much happier if it wasn't here because then I could ride unhindered, but it is beautiful outside.  To look and see the freshly fallen snow, unmarked, clean.  Kinda reminds me of how we can be, how the Savior can make us clean and pure, and how it only take one thing to leave footprints in the unmarked surface.  How no matter how much we try and smooth it over the snow is never as smooth as it once was.  I think that's the same for us.  Things happen in life.  We make mistakes, and we are NEVER the same again.  We can never go back to how we were before it happened, but we can go on.  Yes sometimes absolutely terrible things happen to us, and leave seemingly unhealable scars, but if we turn to the Savior he help.  Even though the surface of the 'snow' is never as smooth as it was when it first fell, He can smooth it over so that you can't tell the difference.  I don't know.  LOL yeah I know an odd think to analyse but whatever!!

My horsie!!  I love DJ.  For those of you ppl who don't ride I think you should start.  I have never felt as close to my Heavenly Father and Savior as I feel when I'm out, away from all noise and distraction of the world, in the woods riding.  DJ really is my best friend.  He knows when I'm upset and he tries to fix it.  Even if he's way of fixing it is to give me head butts!  I've known him so long that it's like I know what he's thinking.  The connection between a horse and a rider is amazing and something that even I as a rider can't explain.  It's like the bond a mother has for her child.  It's a given, that if I'm upset, I just need to go to the barn and spend time away from the world and I feel 100% better.  The woods are SO peaceful, and there are times when I feel myself filled to the brim with joy, and thankfulness that I'm alive.  Something as simple as smelling the lilacs, or hearing a bird sing, or feeling the crisp winter air.  I love it, and it is a definately given that the person I marry HAS to love being outdoors!!  I want my husband to want to go camping, to want to learn to ride if he doesn't already know how, but oddly enough I want him to love it.  Not just want to do it because I want him to, but I want him to in someways feel a connection with nature.  To love being outdoors.  I don't know maybe I'm dooming myself to solitude, but this is something that means alot to me.  It's only now months after our engagement broke up that I've realized Ben and I weren't suited to eachother, and as hard as it is for me to admit this I wouldn't be truely happy with him.  Not the happiness that I know my Heavenly Father wants me to have.  Funny how it's usually long after the event that you gain understanding.

And lastly, for this entry anyways, I'm extremely grateful for my best friend Nick.  I know that he probably would have liked to stay and finish out his mission, but I am extremely grateful that Heavenly Father saw fit to bring him home.  He's helped me so much to get past things that were hindering me.  I can be around people again, and feel comfortable.  I've stopped having nightmares.  And for the first time, in eight months I feel like I can have a future.  Like, even though it would be slow going at first, I can date again!  What a huge step for me!  Yes, when I think about dating I feel nervous, and even a little bit of fear, but I feel like I can face that fear.  Like I want to face that fear.  Funny how that works eh?  You care about someone enough and it makes you willing to push past stumbling blocks that in the past were huge stone walls.  Maybe someday we'll be more than friends, maybe we won't and for the first time in my life that's okay.  Sure I care about him, and he knows it, but even if it all comes to naught I know we'll still be friends.  I know we'll still be close, and I know he'll still be there whenever I need him.  Not sure exactly what Heavenly Father wants, but I do know that I have progressed more in the month that he's been home than in the six months since it's happened.  Who knows, but I am content to sit back and let Heavenly Father work.  It'll all work out.  That's why I love him so much!  Anyways, I have a ton of midterm to mark, a test to prepare for next week, two labs to finish, and hopefully fit a ride in there somehow!  I'll ttyl ya'll!

I am completely, and totally bumbed out!  It just seems like everything is falling apart around me.  School, home, friends, and just about everything else that is part of my life.  I mean I can sit back and realize that this is a test, that Satan is trying me, but that doesn't make going through it any easier.  

School:  I just got my Metamorphic Petrology midterm back.  *sigh* I spent alot of time studying, but I still tanked.  I mean Victor keeps telling everyone that our class average is good, that it'snormally 48% on the first test and that this time it was 60, and if you got above that you're doing really good, but to me, that's a tank.  Especially on a geology exam.  I mean I was 0.5% away from getting a C.  That's not acceptable in my books.  I guess I'll have to shrink back farther in my hole and work harder.  But really I don't know when I'm going to get the time to try harder.  I feel like I'm drained but then again I really didn't sleep well last night.  Infact I barely slept at all.  I mean I know alot of people are jealous that I'm going to Trinidad but to be honest it's starting to become more stress than it's worth.  A bunch of costs are all of a sudden poping up, and I can't afford it.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I owe so much money to so many different places and I just don't know how to handle it, except that I am definately paying my tithing.  That's the one thing that's given.  Still I'm SO stressed.

Home: By home I mean the barn.  Dj is costing me WAY too much money.  He pulled another shoe the other day.  His board is WAY late because I was waiting for Candis to pay me, and then I find out today she put the check in my locker and it's my fault I didn't find it.  WHAT? It's you responsibility to put it in a place I can see it.  Not my responsiblity to find it.  GOSH!!!!  So I've decided I'm getting tough.  I'm changing the lease so that they pay directly to Donna and if they're late it's a 40 dollar late fee.  I've had it.  To be honest I've had it with riding period.  I'm tired of falling off all the time.  I'm not a good rider and I need to just get over it.  Besides I'm way too busy right now to ride anyways, even if I were allowed to.  I'm not going to sell him, but I doubt I'll be riding much anymore.  

Friends: haha that's just it I DON'T HAVE ANY.  I'm sick and tired of trying, and trying, and trying and always getting dumped on.  The people I care about never seem to care about me in return.  I don't know maybe I just care too much and expect too much from friendship, but is it too much to ask for there to be someone to care about you?  You know if you were to disappear from the face of the planet for a week or so they'd notice and wonder where you were and if you were okay?  Of course when I say this it doesn't apply to EVERYONE I know.  There are a few ppl who look out for me, but the vast majority of ppl I consider friends treat me like garbage.  I'm sick of it!

*sigh*, so now that I have that all out of the way I feel a little better.  Not alot better but a little.  To top it all off I'm frustrated, and angry at the fact that I STILL can't even think about having a normal relationship with someone.  I mean I have feelings.  Infact I'm surprised that I can even care in that way about someone, but I can't even think about having any kind of relationship with them because I am filled with fear even just thinking about it.  I'll never find anyone who cares enough to want to take the time to help me through this and that leaves me filled with absolute and utter dispair.  I'm trying so hard to forgive and forget, but it's so hard to forget when everything that you do is based on reactions to situations that you aren't in control of.  It's like, you get into a perfectly normal situation, you react, badly, and then you're angry at yourself because you had no control over how you reacted in the first place.  How is a guy suppose to get to know me, and care about me when I can't even be alone in a room with them without feeling like I'm going to jump out of my skin.  It's not fair.  Especially now that I actually care about someone.  I'm extremely lonely, I want a relationship, I even care about someone in that way BUT I can't do anything about it.  I can't make a move, I can't even pretend that I can make a move.  All I can do is sit here in dispair.  Talk to the person like there is nothing there.  Hide my feelings away while they slowly eat away at me, and I become more and more bitter, and farther and farther away from being able to heal.  It's a viscious cycle and I don't know what to do to get out of it.  I'm effectively lost in the mist of darkness, BUT I am still holding firmly to the iron rod.  NOT grasping, but holding firmly.  I know that will get me through.  FYI I hate valentines day.
 
Alas, I am drained.  This post has taken alot out of me, but it's given me a little bit in return.  I'm going to go and read my scriptures.  I need to draw on some strength other than my own. 

This morning I came to the realization that it has been a very long time since I've born my testimony.  It's been a very long time since I've even really spoken of God, or my gratitude in my journal.  I have been very closed in on myself, and maybe that's why I have been having such a hard time getting back on my feet.  Back to where I was last spring.  You always hear the saying, 'if you don't use it you loose it' well I am almost positive that goes for our testimonies as well!  At first when I realized this is put down in the dumps.  I finally realized just how far I've fallen and just how much work it's going to get to get back to where I want to be and more importanlty WHO I want to be, or be like!  I tried to remember when the last time I bore my testimony to anyone besides other members of the church (and even this has been a long time ago) and I realized it's been a very long time.  2003 to be exact when I posted my testimony on our old msn group called Teen Morms.  That site doesn't exist anymore, but I do still have a bunch of the testimonies that my friends posted even if mine was lost.  I also when through a bunch of my old journal posts from 2004-2005 when every post was thanking Heavenly Father for something and pulled some of the posts that touched me.  This is a fairly long read but trust me, if you take the time to read it you will be uplifted! It's worth the time! So do it!

Testimony #1 written by a really close friend here in Sackville NS:

And lastly Testimony # 4 a few things that I wrote back in 2004.  I post them so I can remember where I was, and where I want to be again:

My Testimony of Prayer.

I have just had a recent event take place in my life that caused me to doubt my testimony of prayer; however, now that light has been shed on the so-called event, it has in the end, strenghtened my testimony of prayer. Caused me to realized that I need to trust what the spirit tells me, or my gut instinct. In this case, I let what people were telling me become the truth. I ignored the spirit. Told myself that I was just being dumb, that what that person told me had to be true. Well I was wrong, and of course the spirit was right. I know no matter how painful this situation is right now, it happened for a reason. It happened to strengthen my testimony of prayer, or the fact that Heavenly Father does answer prayers, and I need to have complete unwavering faith in order to hear those answers. I need to listen to the answers when I get them and trust them no matter what happens. I love prayer. I love the fact that he does answer us, and yes Nathan I LOVE the fact that our Father in Heaven, the all powerful God, Alpha and Omega, KNOWS US BY NAME!!!!!! I firmly belive now that Heavenly Father answers prayer. It's just up to me to listen, and then once I know to stick to what I know. To be unmoveable; to not waver, no matter what Satan decides to throw at me because I know he is just livid that I am doing so well. That I am happy, and that I love the gospel so much. He knows exactly what he needs to do to get me down, to make me unhappy, to make me fall away, and I need to realize those things, and watch out for them. I need to be strong, and when he does throw something in my face, like he did today, I need to realize that it's satan, and turn to our Savior and Father in Heaven to give me strength. I know that he can give me strength. For he has far more power than satan, and if I but just turn to him, instead of letting him win I will be victorious. I love you guys! Always remember to turn to the Lord. Learn to recognize when satan is throwing you a curve ball so that you can "knock" him way out into left feild! I suppose the only way to end this is I leave with you my testimony of prayer in the name of our Brother, Redeemer, and all loving Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Posted Oct. 20th 2003

I am a beautiful Mormon Princess, who is overflowing with Individual Worth.
I love life. I love Christ. I love my Heavenly Father. He truely does know better than I do. I've jumped back on the wagon, and it's full steam ahead. Next stop, the Celestrial Kingdom. Just try and stop me Satan! I dare you! 'Cus where ever I wander, there's one thing I've learned. It's to Christ I will always return.

Posted: Jan 7^th, 2004

You will be tried. You will be hurt. You will be tromped, beaten and trampled by Satan's legions. You will usualy see them and stop them, but no matter how old, no matter how expierenced or up lifted, Satan will find the week link, the chink in your armor and he WILL expliot it. Survival isn't a matter of being PERFECTLY aware of satans attempts to hurt you and stopping every one of them. Survival depends on your ability to recognize when he has got you down and out and on your act of FAITH to call to the Lord and ACTIVLY SERVE THE LORD AND HIS CHILDREN EVEN IN THE MIDST OF IRKSOME TASKS AND WEIGHTY RESPONSIBILTY for FAITH without WORKS is DEAD.

Unanimous comment on my Deadjournal

Wow eh??  I now know where I was, and definately where I want to be again.  I have a goal in mind and the determination to achieve it, not to mention only the absolute best friend in the entire world who refuses to let me fail.  Who keeps after me, keeps encouraging me and makes is a personal goal to see me succeed.  Thanks Nick. You're amazing.  You'll never know really just how much you help me, how much your effort, love, and compassion help get through everday.  I am so thankful that Heavenly Father saw fit to ordain us in the pre-existance to be friends.  I truely believe that some of our friends are pre-ordained to help us through the trying times in this life. I believe that our friendship is eternal.  It's something that existed before we came to this earth, it exists now and I believe it will exist after we leave this earth.  I guess this means that both of us have to work extra hard in order to make sure we both make it to the celestrial kingdome eh? Cus I know if you weren't there I'd be pretty darn lonely!  I know that my testimony isn't where is should be, but I do know it is there.  I know that this church is true.  With all my heart I believe that my Savior came to this earth, bored my sins and infirmities, and died for me because he loves me.  I believe that he loved me so much that even if I was the only person on this earth he still would have came and died for me.  I also believe the he knows exactly what I'm going through because he's experienced all of it.  All my feelings of angiush, guilt, sorrow, heartattache, all of it.  So he knows what I'm going through (read Alma 7:11-12 - Thanks Nick, awesome scripture) which means he knows exactly how to help me through it.  I know that trust and faith in the Lord can accomplish anything, even the parting of the red sea, or the moving of mountains and that I need to stop diqualifying myself from these blessings and start working towards achieving them.  I am extremely grateful for all of the wonderful blessing in my life.  I am greatful for school, for all of the things that I am learning and I know that I need to strive harder to be that 'special representative of Jesus Christ' that I promised Bobby I'd be years ago.  I am thankful for the church.  I have no idea where I would be without it in my life.  I truely and deeply believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and that Gorden B Hinckely is a prophet who is on the earth NOW, in this day and age, and is revecieving revelation for us now, to help us now!  I think it is amazing that we have a Father in Heaven that loves us so much that he has someone on the earth now that can recieve revelation to guide and direct us in this day and age.  I have a testimony of the scriptures.  All of them.  Even though they were written so long ago, there is stuff in there that can help and uplift now, even in the darkest of times.  Again I say that I am grateful for the few close friends that Heavenly Father has blessed me with.  They are truely amazing in so many ways.  I know in my heart that if I try, He will never, ever let me fail.  I leave this testimony, however inadequate it is, with you in the name of my Older brother, Redeemer, Savior, and Friend Jesus Christ, Amen.

We are all Beautiful Princes and Princesses in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.

So, I've decided to post some of my poetry.  Somehow writing my thoughts and feelings in rhyme and rhythm always cheers me up.  Enjoy!

In the Arms of His Love
Tears streaming down my face,
I hang my head in shame and disgrace.
Afraid to show the real me,
Out in the open for all to see.
Afraid of spite, malice, and scorn
Towards the trails with which I've been born.
Then out of the darkness comes a voice.
"Happiness is up to you! Make the choice!
I'll be with you through thick and thin.
I won't leave your side for even a min.
Just call my name and I'll be there.
With me, your deepest thoughts you can shar.
Your fears, and worries, and trivial things,
That everyday life on earth tends to bring.
I will listen, and comfort in times of need.
Your hungry soul I will feed.
So, stand tall and don't be ashamed,
Because in Heaven Angels proclaim
That you are special as can be.
After all, you were made in the same image as me"

Heidi L. McKee

Am I In Love?
My heart flutters like the wings of a dove
Can someone tell me am I in Love?
Is there an answer to bring this to light?
When I'm around you it feels so right.
It's hard to explain just how I feel.
You hold me close, my heart you steal.
When your with me I want you to stay
Always and forever, each and every day.
Did, in Heaven God make us a pair?
To be with eachother through times of dispair?
I really dont' know, but it's all so real.
With a kiss our fate will you seal?
I don't remember just how we met
And I can't see how I could forget
But, then again I did not see
That the two of us it would be.
From the light in my heart shines a bright ray
Like the sun at it's peak on a warm summer's day
This feeling seems to come from above
So can you tell me, am I in love?

Heidi L. McKee

Do you ever wonder why it is you do certain things?  Or after you've done something why it was you decided to do it in the first place?  Have you ever made a choice that at the time you knew was wrong but you decided you were going to do it anyways because at the time the outcome of that choice was something you desired more than the long term effects of choosing against said choice?  

Lately I've found myself wondering just who I am.  I don't feel like me anymore.  I do stupid things just so I can feel like I fit in only to feel absolutely disappointed and digusted with myself afterwards.  I spent alot of time thinking this morning when I just couldn't seem to fall back asleep and on the way home from AGS.  It seems to me that lately I've been more concerned with acceptance than I should be.  Especially when I make a decision based on being accepted that in the end comprimises my integrity.  I don't understand how people can make these same choices after having experienced truth, and not feel guilty.  I really want to say that I'm not going to do it again, but I obviously can't make the promise.  I know those words are just hollow now.  One thing did go differently this time though.  I still felt left out.  I still didn't feel accepted.  It was all for not.  

I don't even know where to start.  I remember a lesson Brother Pilling taught a few weeks ago.  He said that most of us deny a great deal of blessings that the Lord has there waiting for us because we don't believe they can happen to us.  He said that this is one of the most powerful tools of Satan.  That we see the miracles worked in the world by prophets and bishops and good people but we don't think those thing can happen to us.  Or that we know Heavenly Father forgives but that we just don't believe he can ever forgive us.  I'm feeling like that now.  Completely overridden by guilt.  You know I haven't been the same since Labrador.  I  was so strong, so sure about who I was and where I was going, and now I feel so utterly lost.  I haven't felt sure about anything since.  I mean I've come to terms with what happened.  I've had councelling, I've accepted that it happened, I've even deep down finally forgiven the person responsible but I still don't feel like me.  Maybe that's why I can't seem to get back to where I was.  I don't feel like me anymore.  A large part of me is missing, has been missing for quite a while.  I used to say that he stole it from me, but I've come to realize that I let him steal it.  I was the one who refused to let myself get over what happened.  I harboured anger and guilt and dispair for months.  It's like it slowly ate away at the small part of me that was left.  Now it's gone and I find myself reaching out elsewhere to try and fill the gap.  I look for the acceptance of others and I don't find comfort.  What scares me most is I don't find the comfort I seek when I reach out to God either.  I really feel as if I have gone too far.  That I can't be forgiven.  I know thats a wall I've put up all on my own but I don't know how to take it down.  

Sometimes I wish so much that I had a good solid group of friends here.   Even just one close friend my age who I could talk to.  The one friend who I can talk to about anything is not available.  I mean I can see said person and talk to them but I can't "talk" to them now.  I can't 'see' them.  I can't hug them.  They can't hug me and they can't be there for me.  Not in the way I need.  

I think what hurts the most is I allowed him to keep his life, I forgave, I tried very hard to forget, I consoled, I tried to make it all better, I became his friend, I gave my trust and it was all in vain.

Please, save me I'm slowing drowning.

SO I have a massive amount of news to relate to everyone!!!  For simplicity I'm going to list it in point form, well okay it's mostly because I'm lazy.

-I'm going to my first horse show with Dj the end of the month.  Why is the significant news? Well because I don't have the money to do it.  I was going to have to back out but all of the people at the barn pooled together to put together enough money for me to go.  This is the first time anything like this has happened to me.  I really have the coolest friends ever! Even if I am five years older than most of them! lol.  I'll keep you posted about the show results.

-I am going to calgary in May.  I believe I have already written this before but I'm still pretty excited about it.  The only thing is that I'm going to miss the first two weeks of work because of Greece but hey who's complaining.

-I'm going to Greece the end of April!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sweet.  I'm pretty excited abou that.  It's a course for school.  Again I'm pretty excited about it.  Ten days of field school in Greece.

-There is a 90% chance that I'm going to Trinidad over spring break!!  Saint Mary's usually gets one spot for a sponsored trip to Trinidad but this year they are probably going to get two and I'm the second choice! SWEET!!!!

-I'm currently doing a directed study on a well that EnCana drilled a few years ago.  Georgia wants me to write a report before I go to work for them in May.  *sigh* more work.  My thesis is taking up a bunch of time to.  This semester is already crazy! Yikes

-Going to AGS in Moncton first weekend in feb.  I got out of presenting, but my name is going to be on a poster! Sweet! I'm an et. al!  WOO!

Anyways, need to work on my geophysics lab! Later y'all!

So I was reading on my friends page and I came across this little tidbit.  I know you're only supposed to do it once but these were just too hilarious.

Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!  Last Sunday I donated bone marrow to  pisswhistle in a life-saving procedure (300 points).  In February I punchedlennafurd in the arm (-10 points).  In January I gave little_oblivion a Dutch Oven (-10 points).  In September I turned rcmckiel in for running naked in the mall (3 points).  Last week I bought porn for stockcar78 (10 points). 
Overall, I've been nice (293 points).  For Christmas I deserve a red Radio-Flyer wagon!

 

Sincerely,

Hope24

1) I can totally see myself punching Lenny I used to do it all the time!! :P
2)How is giving Cindy a dutch oven worth negative points?? I though giving was a good thing.
3)Okay here it is!!  Turning Ryan in for running naked in the mall!! HAHA!!! Hmm this reminds me of a certain grad ceremony years ago. Although that wasn't Ryan. lol.
4)Woo Red Radio-Flyer Wagon

Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy! In October I bought porn for thedarkangel18 (-10 points).  In April I helped stockcar78 across the street (6 points).  Last month I ruled Canada as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points).  In November I gave kathrynsjourney a Dutch Oven (-10 points).  In March I farted in an elevator (-6 points). 
Overall, I've been nice (680 points).  For Christmas I deserve an Easy-Bake Oven
Sincerely,                                                                                                                                    
Hope24

 

1)Note the ruling Canada as a kind and benevolent dictator!! Yeah me!
2)Again what's with the dutch oven being worth negative??
3)Yeah go farting in an elevator!  That's worth the minus 6 all the way.
4)How is an easy bake a good gift if a dutch over is worth negative points???

Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!  Last week I donated bone marrow to timthegeologist in a life-saving procedure (300 points).  In September thedarkangel18 and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points).  Last Tuesday I ate my brussel sprouts (1 points).  In October I ruled Asscrackistan as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points).  Last Monday I got in line at the supermarket at the same time as someone else and I didn't yield (-8 points).  
Overall, I've been nice (1004 points).  For Christmas I deserve a toy train

 

Sincerely,                                                                                                                                          
Hope24

1)Tim would definately be worth loosing bone marrow over! 
2)I'd just like to point out that a knife to my throat wouldn't even persuade me to eat brussel sprouts so I doubt I do it for a measly one pt.
3)Again with the ruling as a kind benevolent dictor.  I think they're on to something there.
4)WHAT? Yeilding in a supermarket line?  Don't they know it's everyone for themselves in those places?!?!?
5)WOO toy train!

Dear Santa,

 

This year I've been busy!  Last Tuesday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, pisswhistle (-5000 points).  Last week I ruled Canada as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points).  In February I pulled over and changed  uncle_chelle's (15 points).  In November _idiedforbeauty and I robbed a bank(-50 points).  Last Friday I helped barrygrb see the light (8 points).

 

Overall, I've been naughty.  For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal!

Sincerely,                                                                                                                                     
Hope24 

1) Genocide?!? HAHAHAHAHA
2)3rd times the charm.  That proves I'd be a kind and benevolent dictator.  These things don't lie you know.
3)If I robbed a bank in Feb why am I so darn poor???
4)Lump of coal? Well at least I can use it to keep warm.  Stupid school sucking away all my money!

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!  Last Friday I bought porn for rcmckiel (-10 points). In May I turned barrygrb in for farting in church (3 points). Last week on a flight to Vancouver, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In August I caught a purse-snatcher who stole timthegeologist's purse (30 points). Last Thursday  gothic_hands and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points).

 

Overall, I've been naughty(-6 points). For Christmas I deserve a moldy sandwich

 

1)HAHA, who'd steal the emergency flight information card.  Those things are the worst read EVER!
2)Why am I not surprised that the thought of Tim havin a purse?
3)Moldy Sandwich?? I ain't Tim!  I don't eat meat that's green!!!



HAHAHAHAHAHA Peace out ya'll.

 

 

 

 

You know what?  Surprisingly there are quite a few people around campus at quarter to seven in the morning.  I don't know whether that's funny or sad.  Probably sad because I was here that early to.  I'm sitting her waiting for some place to open so I can buy some breakfast.  I'm so hungry!  Maybe that's because I got up and hour early today.  I'm not really tired even though I was up at 5:30.  Just waiting for the library to open at eight so I can go and start studying for my midterm at 11:30.  I thankfully have my igneous presentation done, but I'm really worried about the midterm.  I haven't really studied for it yet.  I'm skipping structure at ten so i can study right up until I have to write.  Although I have one thing in my favor.  I calculated last night that I can get as low as a 65 on this midterm and the two tests will average out to an 80.  That's an A-.  But still I don't want to do that poorly.  I'd be smiling if I could manage a high seventy or an eighty.  

Feeling a little better.  I still hate myself, but it's not as bad.  Through the grace and mercy of God I was able to talk to my big brother yesterday.  He's not doing so well.  They're admitting him to the hospital to monitor him, and he may even have to come home from his mission early.  I have mixed feelings about him coming home.  I'm praying with all my heart that he gets better and is able to stay and finish out his mission because I know how much he wants to be able to stay.  But there is that part of me that wants him to come home.  Things would be so much easier if he was.  I'd have my shoulder to cry on back.  The flesh is weak.  I shouldn't be thinking like that!!  He needs to stay and finish out his mission.

Made a pretty big decision a few days ago.  It took alot of thinking, and weighing, and in the end it was one of the hardest choices I'm ever going to have to live with.  It's going to make things harder for a little while but in the long run it will get easier to deal with.  It was the right thing to do, I think.  But I'd made it and now I'm going to stick with it.  Besides, it may be hard on me for a while but it will greatly bennefit others involved.  So I guess it was the right decision.  

Anyways I'm feeling antzi so I'm going to go walk around before I have to sit for three hours and study.  I'll update again soon.  L8er!

Dear Father,
How long must I be filled with hatred?  Hatred for myself and what I allowed to happen?  This all consuming hatred isn't healthy.  It makes me miserable and slows the healing.  Will I ever heal?  Will I ever be whole again, or am I doomed to feel like half a person forever?  Always reaching out and grasping at what I had, always missing something, always knowing deep down inside what I lost.  Can you forgive me for what I've done even after I promised I'd never do it again?  I know my unhappiness is no excuse.  I left you down again, and broke a promise to someone who means more to me than I can even put into words.  How could I resort to that again?  It's what caused this whole mess in the first place.  I'm so messed up inside that I can't even figure out what I want let alone stop myself from doing something that everyone is pushing me towards.  Will the hurting ever stop?  How long until I can close my eyes and not see the memories?  How long until my dreams are at peace again?  I can't close my eyes without remembering something.  The details that I remember at any one given moment seem to rotate.  Sometimes I remeber how concerned he was, making me drink water, carrying me, gently laying me on his bed.  Other times it's being thossed around like a rag doll, crying in pain, quietly being shhhed, wishing I could die, feeling betrayed and abandoned.  When will I stop hating myself so?  I can't even look in the mirror without wanting to cry.  I can't believe I let myself get to where I am.  I faught so hard to get my life together again last time.  I never thought I'd feel that way again let alone worse.  I've betrayed so many people, you being the most important.  How can I ever even look in the mirror again?  The light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away, but at least that light is there again.  I'm grateful for that.  Please help me for once help myself.  Give me strength to seek the help I need.  I can't do this alone.  I need more help.

Sometimes I don't know why I think the way I do.  I wish I could stop.  It's annoying.  I'll be up one minute and down the next.  Trying to impress someone and then two minutes later I don't give a darn about what they think about me.  It's exhausting and I can't seem to straighten myself out.  I was straight before I left for labrador, but now I'm right back where I started.  It's like one mistake has thrown me back years.  It's all been erased and I'm left grasping at straws, almost able to reach out and touch how to get it back and yet never able to actually achieve it.  It's like I'm all mixed up inside and that leads to me say and do dumb things, which then compound the situation by making me feel even worse about myself.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.  Just barely able to keep my head above the surface.  Paranoid that a large wave is going to come and finish me off.  I'm worried I'm sliding into the abyss.  I'm starting to loose interest in the things that I love and that can only mean one thing.  That scares me.  I feel as if I'm leading a dual life.  Both have apects that I want and yet there is no way for them to co-exist together.  I need to decide who I am, who i want to be.  Why is that so hard to acomplish?  I'm dangerously close to breaking a promise.  The bracelet is the only thing that keeps me from it.  How long will that last?  Only God knows that.  If only you knew how I lie to you.  Things are much worse than I let on.  I'll never get past this........

Picture this: It's pitch black. You're laying in bed under 5 or 6 blankets. You are just the right temperature because it's chilly in your room and the fan is on. The weight of the blankets is just enough to make you feel comfortably safe. You are in that state just between being awake and being asleep. Then the alarm goes off. You seriously consider skipping your 8:30 class and going back to sleep. It's been a trying week. You haven't gotten very much in the way of sleep. But you get up and spent the time on the bus to get into school. Once you arrive at school you find out your class is cancelled and you don't have another class till 11:30. Think about how you'd feel. Rotted! ARGH! lol but it's okay. I'm working on my assignement thats due later on today. The one I meant to get done last night but didn't because I ended up at the barn and then Laura made me ride because I missed my day on Tues. Well she didn't really have to twist my arm all that much. I really did want to ride. But now I'm super sore because she made me school two point. AHH that's hard on the legs. But she was coaching me over the jumps and I'm starting to feel alot better. I think I'm still kinda scared of jumping. A bad fall will do that to you. And the last fall I had right before school when my stirrup leather broke was bad. But I'm starting to get my confidience back. I'm not as young as I used to be. I used to be fearless when it came to riding. I'd do anything and if I fell off so what. It takes me alot longer to heal now. And I'm not as daring. I used to jump almost 3 feet. Now I'm nervous going over two. Oh well. I get back up there again. I just need some more practise, and stronger leg muscles which are slowly coming. It's such a long process to get back into shape! ARGH! I really wish I had a camera last night. Dj was nuts! lol. we let me go after words and free lunged him some. He was running around with his tail stuck straight up in the air. Goof! But he was tired afterwards. He has a hard workout and a hard run. lol. He was walking around with his head hanging. I bet he slept well last night. lol.
In other news: I bought the new EFY CD. The 2006 one. I really like it. Sometimes when it comes to music I get into phases. I've really only been listening to uplifting music lately. Maybe it's because school is stressing me out a tad. Once again I've bitten off more than I can chew. I would like one day where I can sit and do nothing and there won't be any consequences for it. I'd love to have time to just sit and play my keyboard. I seriously contemplated last night not going to the barn. Just sitting home, but I'm glad I went. Even though I wasn't able to relax I was able to run up to the barn, and then ride. So it aleviated a little stress. I just don't seem to have enough hours in the day to get everything that I want to get done finshed. Like Tuesday I completely forgot that I was suppose to go in and work for Georgia for an hour. I remember today, two days later. I'm starting to loose my mind. I can't remember things anymore. I've started writing them down on my calander over my laptop. It seems to be the only way that I'll remember things. Bah!
I think I may rent a movie this weekend. I would love to just be able to sit down and watch a movie! That is watch it and not worry about things that I could be doing with that time instead that would be more productive. AHH I can't believe I'm in fourth year and I'm writing my thesis and I graduate next DEC. And this term is just about HALF OVER!! Where did the first half go? I've been home from labrador for almost two months? WHATTTT! lol. My life is passing me by and sometimes it just seems like I get left behind. Man sometimes I really hate school.
I've started driving the standard on my own! Only close to the house, like to the barn and back though. If I want to go into sackville mom still has to be with me. She doesn't trust me enough but I barely ever stall it now. I think she's just paranoid. She gets nervous when i just take it to the barn. I can't wait to buy my own car. I'm saving right now. I'll either buy it in May or Sept. If I go back to Labrador I think I'll buy it in may and drive up. yeah I know it'll be a long drive but then I'll have a car, and I wont' have to deal will all the stress of the plane and getting my stuff up there. And if I drive up I will be able to bring my keyboard and bass, and I really don't want to go another summer up there without at least one of my intruments. I need seomthing to keep me out of trouble. If I head to Calgary next summer though I'm going to wait till sept to buy it. It wouldn't make any sense unless a really good deal came to buy it in May when i'm going to be across the country for four months. I've pretty much given up on the trip to Greece. I just don't have the time to do all the fundraising is I can't be garunteed a spot. And it's not fair either. Plus mom and I are planning a trip to Holland and Greece next year when I graduate. I mean it won't be for geology but at least I'll be able to go! YEAH!
I bought a new laptop too. Dad thinks I'm crazy for what I spent on it but I wanted a really good one this time. I want it to last for a while. And I want it relaiable and able to run some of the software I'm going to need to use for the thesis. Especially since I'll be leaving for the summer and will still need to work on it. I'm hoping to have it mostly writting that needs to be done then. So that will give me something to do as well. AHH I'm going to be 22 next summer. Woa! lol. haha I'll be 22 when I graduate!! YEAH! I'm lucky I guess. I know ppl who are 24,25,and 26 who are still not done! YEAH GO ME!
The weather sucks today. EW! RAIN! And I left my umbrella on the bus last week. Gr!
I rely on no one but the Lord! I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I had a really good ride yesterday. My riding skills and abilities are slowly coming back to me, and DJ and I are bonding again.  I love my horsie.  I'm loosing Laura in Dec as a leasee but it's ok, I know Heavenly Father is looking out for me and other possibilities have already presented themselves.  I just need to have some faith.  

The geology society is going to Greece in April.  I might go, if there is a spot of me.  It'll only cost 1000 for a whole week if we fundraise enough.  Greece! That'd be kewl.

Midterm tomarrow.  I hate school again, but once midterms are over I'm sure I'll be back to enjoying it.  

It's funny how you can put so much trust in one person even when your better judgement tells you not to.  Maybe that is what makes the disappointment seem worse when they don't meet up to your expectations.  Or maybe it's you expectations that are too high and that is the cause of the disappointment.

My mother bought me an airfreshener for my room.  I think it stinks!